I think the worst part of loosing something is that you get over the initial grieving period, but then it hits you again. That day when you see them being successful and winning with someone else. You know, making a name for themselves without you when all along you dreamt it would be you two. The problem is I can't be mad, he deserves this. He deserves a little girl to show him and win on him. Just because he couldn't do it with me because of my family's limited resources doesn't mean that he cannot go and do it now.
But it is hard.
I was at the show today getting ready to hop on Sly when my mom showed me a picture of Leo and a little girl. They were champion in the Children's Hunters two weeks in a row at Thermal. He deserves it, she deserves it. But in the picture, I saw him. His lovely expression, clipped to a gorgeous color, and just his passion and hardwork really paying off. He was happy. I really wonder though if she knows him like I do. She can't. The little insignificant memories of me walking into his stall when my mom called me telling me my Grandpa died, he was there. The days when he saved my butt countless times, and was just as perfect as a horse can be. She can't know him like I do, atleast that is what I am telling myself because I am hoping I can hold that over them. Atleast Leo and I had the closest relationship a horse and rider can have.
But then I get that awful feeling again because he doesn't deserve my selfishness. He deserves the absolute best and I am just frustrated that I cannot give that to him. Because I am over here on a new horse still trying to get around a course without fighting and he is doing well. Without me. And I just can't grasp that.
It is just hard seeing something that was so yours now become someone else's. It's hard comparing the show you had today to something you used to have and what is going on in a different world. It's hard moving on and accepting that maybe it is better that he is with her. It's hard being lost.
-E
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